My husband and I are intentionally delaying having human babies, and we're doing so for a lot of reasons, like, you know, hoping to have a disposable income just for a little while. I've noticed that there are tons of articles circulating on the web about things to not say to pregnant women, mothers, and that whole group but there isn't a whole lot out there in the way of people who are intentionally child-free, be it temporarily or permanently. In an effort to spread some kindness in the world, I thought I'd take a minute to compile a list of things not to say to couples without children.
1) So, when are you going to have kids?
This one is hard, because lots of people think this is acceptable small talk, especially if you're about to get married or have just gotten married since it appears to be the next step. This is not small talk. At the very least it's asking someone to justify their life choices, which is no one's business and at the most it's asking for intimate medical details - you have no clue if the person you're talking to is fertile or not, and since 10% of the population is considered infertile it may be worth thinking about. This hasn't been my personal experience, but there is no easy answer to this question that leaves me feeling satisfied but is short enough to count as small talk. Say instead: So, what's the next big project?
2) It's good to wait - you want to make sure you aren't getting divorced first!
A real, live person said this to me two weeks after my wedding. Thanks for implying that my marriage is on the rocks when you don't know anything about it. Say instead: It'll be nice to have some time alone together.
3) I didn't want to have kids with my ex because I knew he wasn't the one.
See number 2. Say instead: Nothing. Just don't say anything.
4) Then what's the point of being married?
My husband and I got married really young. Not so young that we were fresh out of high school or anything, but young enough for people to assume that our values were way more traditional than they are. And we don't think the point of marriage is to have children. If it were then everyone would have to have fertility testing and the 10% mentioned above would be denied marriage licenses. Say instead: I'm so glad marriage is suiting you both so well.
5) But you would make such good parents!
Again, this one on the surface is a compliment but it implies that we aren't living up to our potential in some way. Like, I'd be a really great astrophysicist if I only applied myself. I could be a great mom if I just had more focus! Say instead: If you ever were to be passionate about parenthood, I think it'd suit you well.
6) Don't you want a little You/Your Husband running around?
Oh yeah, I really want a smaller version of us that will be inherently messy like him AND anal retentive like me! And it's virtually guaranteed that (s)he will be really clumsy and awkward. Let's just pray that they get my love of learning and his bubble butt and love of nature. Not in that order. Say instead: I think if you have children they'd be very special (say this in a non-sarcastic way. Don't imply their child will be delayed in any way).
7) But your kids will be so cute!
This one is similar to number 5, but instead of implying that we aren't living up to our potential that we are somehow missing out on really cute accessories that we can dress up and tote around and, frankly, we think kids are a little more valuable than that. This kind of goes hand in hand with "But you'll be lonely in your old age!" or "Who will take care of you when you're old!" It just feels wrong to have kids solely to create our own caretakers. Children are people too. Say instead: When you do have kids, I'm really excited to see what they will look like. I'm sure they'll be adorable!
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